I wrote this post on Christmas Eve and almost didn't finish it. I thought against posting it because I got angry and a little out of line, but I guess that's what these posts are for - to work through that. I also have a lot of people telling me not to stop writing and this is the one holding me back for now. So have fun reading my angry rants!
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I am in control of my actions
Is shaking old ladies as bad as shaking babies? Can they get "Shaken Old Bat Syndrome?" Maybe no one would notice the symptoms...She has no filter. She never goes 45 seconds without speaking. Literally, I've timed it, and half of what she says is rude. Not rude in a politically incorrect kind of way. She's just plain insulting. She threatens to hit people all the time for having a different opinion or for being playful and teasing her. Every time she does it reminds me of her history of abuse and I want to beat the living daylights out of her. The other half of what she says is anything and everything that has to do with her, especially if you were just talking about yourself. If that isn't enough, after almost everything she says is a cackling laugh.
The other day we walked past two older ladies she had never met before who were talking amongst themselves. She interrupted their conversation to spout something about herself so they would focus on her, even though she was just walking past them. It's like a neurotic tic.
I inherited her '04 Camry when she lost her license for driving toward oncoming traffic on the freeway. At the time she said it was a gift and she was happy to give it to me. I LOVE that car! She had never given me anything remotely nice in the past. My siblings haven't received anything nice either. She has, however, bought cars for all of my cousins. She's even bought one or two of them two cars. I don't blame my cousins. I love them. It's just something she's done.
Tonight, as we were watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and folding laundry she said to my father "I think I want my Camry back." He said "You can't even drive you don't have a license." She said she could get another, so he told her to go ahead and try. I know it's never going to happen, but just the nerve of that woman to say that in front of me made my blood boil. It was a gift. My name is on the title. Even if she were to get her license back she's never getting the car. It's just not right! I said nothing. In fact I've barely said two words to her since. My dad later told me it had nothing to do with me. She wasn't even thinking about me when she said she wanted the car. She still thinks it's hers. I feel like someone needs to tell her she gave it to me and it isn't right for her to ask for it back. No not ask for it, request it. As if it's just waiting here for her to pick it up. If it were to come from me she'd pitch a fit.
We went to see the new Hobbit movie the other day and she didn't shut up through the WHOLE FRIGGIN' THING. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people talk during movies. When Bilbo got stuck after dumping the barrels and it quieted down she yelled "Well where do you think you're going now, dumb a**?!" Everyone in the theater laughed. Okay, I did too, but I didn't laugh all the other times she talked. Like I said, she speaks every 45 seconds (I wouldn't be surprised if she cackles in her sleep). That doesn't change during movies. So I told her to be quiet a few times. I swear I started out polite. I can't tell you how I was near the end of the movie. I was seeing red by then, and I wasn't the only one. After the movie was over she was quiet and I said "What, now that it's over you have nothing to say?" Later, during dinner, she said "Somebody kept shushing me during the movie." I said "Some people kept shushing you. I wasn't the only one. The people in front of us and behind us were shushing you."Two nights ago my mom and I were wrapping presents in the living room. She was in there with us and when our movie ended my mom flipped the channels and accidentally left it on Home Alone 4. Yes, 4. It was so bad. It makes The Three Stooges look like Die Hard. She was cracking up so much. It's difficult to describe. Every time one of the baddies stubbed their toe, or bonked their head, or even sneezed funny - HUGE LAUGH (see above video). We should have kept switching through the channels. It was a rookie mistake, because within five minutes it was clear that changing the channel would be extremely rude now that she was so obviously enjoying the movie.
But she just told us when the last movie ended she was going to bed. It was midnight and I wanted to stay up and have some 'me time.' Alone. Away from... people. I don't like being around people all day. My mom was going to try and stay up until the
Okay, there was a line and I just crossed it, didn't I? Crap.
You may be thinking "Lindsay, stop being so short with her! She's just a little old lady!"
I am trying so hard.
It's Christmas Eve and my heart is filled with anger and hatred. It shouldn't be this way! I keep using the word "can't." I can't stand her. I can't handle being in the same room with her. I can't love her. I can't take this much longer. I am going to [[[EXPLODE]]]. I am going to {{{SCREAM}}} at her! I dwell on every single thing she does and imagine ways to tell her off in my head, as if that's something cathartic.
But there's my moms voice in my head again. GAH!
"People are doing the best they can.
If not, they'd be doing better."
Then I think to myself, 'this woman has been the same her whole life.' Nothing anyone has ever done to try and improve her has helped. So as I sit here letting each thing she does add to the pile of straws on this camels back I realize I'm putting them there. She will remain the same, while I get worse. I have to learn to ignore, or look past all the evil, hurtful or annoying things this demon woman does. No, not demon woman. Just woman. Just like the chocolate smudging, soda spilling, booger picking, ice cream artist in my germophobia post, she probably doesn't understand how bad she is. If she does understand, she probably can't imagine how to change. Either way it's not my concern. My only concern should be myself and my actions. How am I going to handle this? Obviously this inner turmoil isn't going to cut it.
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That's where my post ended. I needed to get to sleep because my sister and I have a tradition where - even though she's 17 and I'm 25 - we get up at 4:00 am every Christmas morning and see what Santa brought. I ended up getting half an hour of sleep.
I pondered my attitude that night, and through the next week before her departure. Something changed. Suddenly I didn't care anymore what she did or said. I smiled at her. I talked with her. I helped her in and out of the car. She didn't have control over my emotions. I think that irked her a little bit. Normally that would have given me some sick pleasure, but I didn't care. She was no longer a big deal to me.
She continued to try and cause a rift between each member of my family. She does that. For instance: I wound the lights on the Christmas tree too tight. My dad was livid while he was trying to take them off. I wasn't in the room. In fact I had no idea, otherwise I would have helped. She said, "Do you think she did it on purpose? Like maliciously?" She does things like that all the time. But that's fine, because we're above it. We love each other and trust each other.
She didn't bother me anymore. At least not like before. It wasn't like I loved being in her presence, but I didn't leave the room every time she entered either. It just wasn't a big deal.
How did I do it?
I tried to ignore, remove, or at least not entertain any negative thought or emotion that came up. I found that dreaming of ways to tell her off only made me focus on the things I hated about her, when really it shouldn't have mattered. She'll just sit there, laughing and/or scheming, while I boil.
Say I did tell her off. What would have happened? She would have shed some crocodile tears and told everyone how horrible I am. I would have lost the respect of my family. Respect that has taken a long time for me to earn. The rest of her stay would have been laced with angry, awkward feelings that I wouldn't have been able to take back. She would have gone home and told everyone how horribly we treated her - even though it was the other way around. My family's name would have been tainted. It isn't like when I was a kid and my big brother pestered me and pestered me until I blew up at him and chased him with sharp objects and I was the one sentenced to time out. I know, so unfair, right?!Sure she insults the people I love, and tries to pin us against each other, but we're all adults. I don't need to fight everyone else's battles. I know the average population has emotion on a regular basis, but because I'm Bipolar II I'm usually void of feeling. When I do feel emotion it's intensified. I tend to feel the most when it comes to my family.
Yes, she was acting like she wanted the car. She's a crazy person. She's not going to get it. So why bother freaking out? She probably forgot about it the next day. I have a support system, and like I've said in previous posts, I don't need to worry about that bridge until I come to it.
If she isn't going to be the adult, who is? The epiphany I had was quite simple: she isn't worth it. Since then I've made a habit of looking at things that start to bother me and automatically thinking, is it worth it? In five years will this matter? How about one year? A month? A week? An hour? If I get to an hour and it matters I tell myself an hour isn't that long.
So basically, pick your battles.
