I find comfort knowing that when depression comes, it always leaves
Growing up with undiagnosed Bipolar II disorder I was regularly hit with depression for weeks at a time. During these depressive episodes I knew it would never end. I hated being around people. I felt worthless because "normal people can handle these things." Why couldn't I? Why was I so sad? I stayed away from people. I spent time crying in my room for reasons completely unknown. I was so confused that I grew angry and threw fits, screaming at my loved ones, breaking whatever was in reach, slamming doors, then hiding away blasting angry music on my boombox. I was in this emotional 'rut' that was never going to end.
I had no eternal perspective.
I'm currently 25 and in my freshman year of college. My depressive episodes are still prevalent, but because of some medication and a lot of work on my part, they are not as strong as they used to be. I spent about five minutes crying last night after stabbing my math book with a pen. The crying only lasted five minutes because I put an end to it when I realized I was out of control. For the second time I have a math assignment due and because of migraines I've missed too many classes to understand it. The first one I simply didn't turn in, which was a first for me this semester - and I'm taking 13 credit hours. This other one was due this morning. There were fourteen problems. I finished two and I'm not even sure they're correct. This is especially disheartening because math is my favorite subject and I know if I had just made it to class I would have no problems.
Now that I've slept and calmed down I've been able to think more clearly. I emailed my math teacher and asked him for help. I'm meeting him after class in the morning. Even if I only get partial credit on my assignment I'll be comforted knowing that I understand it. I have a test this Friday and those problems will be part of it. I also know that there are less than three weeks left of the semester, followed by the final exams. I spent time thinking about all of the positive things. I still miraculously have all 'A's. So even if I do bomb this assignment, or this Friday's test, I'm going to pass the class...why was I freaking out again?
I recently had an epiphany and I think it's a shame it took this long. For me depression happens regularly and it's now rarely accompanied by anger. It can last anywhere from two days to a month, but usually it's only around a week. The epiphany is the title of this post: "Depression is a natural cycle." So now, when I'm feeling depressed, I think that no matter what happens I'm going to come out of it. With my mood disorder depression is commonly followed by 'hypomania,' or mild mania. In other words as soon as I get out of this depression I might feel better than just okay. I might feel really good. Because of this knowledge - as I'm sitting here feeling really low and worthless - I'm telling myself that it will be over soon, and I am comforted. I feel I can keep myself from sinking further. I'm hitting the metaphorical 'pause' button. I'm focusing on other things, like my busy schedule, my loved ones, and all the things I'm grateful for. I'm fully aware of how down I'm feeling, but I've put that on the back burner. Whenever I can I remind myself it's just a phase. I'm not the only one who has depression, and when I do feel better I'll stare that depression in the face and say "I told you so."
4 comments:
Hey Lindsay, this is Hendrik. I've Never dealt with Depression i think. So i was just curious About your Blog. And i got to say that you Wrote a really nice workthrough advice for People struggling with depressions.
And as an advice from Someone who almost Never had A's- i think its acceptable to lose One of These sometimes ;-)
Hey Hendrik!
Thank you for your comment. I didn't just create this blog page to help work out my own thoughts, though that's a huge part of it. I know my ways of working through things won't apply to everyone, but if I can help make someones burden lighter that would make this all worth it!
Lindsay, congratulations on your new adventure! I can see it has already helped you work through somethings, and I'm sure it will be helpful to others out there struggling with some of these same issues. You have come miles and miles from where you were, and I am going to be excited to see how far you can go from here. To the stars!!!!
Bravo for having the courage to candidly depict what it is like to deal with your psychiatric disorder. You exhibit a lot of courage speaking honestly and openly about it. Also, congratulations for your academic success, and I wish you the best with all your future endeavors!
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