Success!

I am a planner

I am an initiator

I am strong

I am a finisher

I am in motion

I am building character

After taking the first two of my four finals I felt some dread toward taking the last ones.  It wasn't that I felt I wouldn't do well.  I knew the material.  For some reason I became petrified of finishing the semester.  I didn't want it to end.  I was used to the subjects, the workload, and the professors, but it wasn't that either.  I couldn't put my finger on it. 

I had no choice but to take the remaining finals, so I waited until the last possible minute.  I thought if I could distract myself with other things, or sit and do nothing, then time would move slower and I could pretend it would never end.  Everyone in school was so excited for it to be over, but I grew distraught.

After I took the finals I went home and waited for the relief and calm to kick in, but it didn't.  Everyone congratulated me on a job well done.  I've never successfully finished a semester going full time before.  In fact, the best I've done is take two classes at once.  Any other attempts have been met with failure.  Granted, the first time I tried full time I was 17 and had just tested out of high school early.  The second time, when I tried 3/4 time I got a kidney stone, and the third time I got mononucleosis.  There are two other times where I attempted half a workload and passed only one of the classes because I panicked.  Then finally last fall I took two and passed both.  So yes, it's a pretty big deal for me to finish a semester going full time.  Especially taking Accounting, Botany, Math, and Communication.  

I found out a few days later that I got all 'A's.  I should have been ecstatic!  Instead, I ended up lying on the couch for four days without eating, sleeping, or showering.


Because of the agoraphobia I've been working through for a few years it's a miracle I even made it to my first day of school.  There are so many people on campus!  I started this semester pretending to be an outgoing person.  Now I am an outgoing person.  I faked it until I became it. 

But there's this sick part of me that worries I'm taking myself too far.  I'm afraid I might not be ready.  I almost never finish anything.  If I'm actually ready and able to succeed at full time that opens up the floodgates to more challenges I'll have to face.  On top of school I planned and executed a wonderful Christmas program and lost 19 lbs. (in a healthy way).  Crap! If I can do all that at the same time let's pile on more!

No...please no.

 I laid there wallowing in self doubt, telling myself I might not be ready for all of this.  If I become a "finisher" then I have to keep moving forward, and every time I finish something there will be more expected of me.  For someone who didn't step out her front door for over a year just three short years ago I have to wonder if I'm ready to take this step.

I almost talked myself out of signing up for next semester, but in my weakened state I had a moment of ironic clarity.  I knew I didn't think clearly when in a depressive state, so I decided to stay on the path I had already lain out for myself.  If I really was in a full mental breakdown spiral I still had plenty of time to drop out of the classes without receiving penalties.  So that's when I registered for classes in my PJ's with an empty stomach and a nice filmy sheen.  I'm taking Business Statistics, Introduction to Philosophy, Geography, and Principles of Microeconomics.  I reminded myself - as I still do - that there isn't any pressure right now, because I'm not even close to that bridge yet. 

I can either be sad and depressed because I'm not going anywhere with my life, or stressed half the time with bigger mood swings while I accomplish my goals, meet people, learn about business, love, family, relationships, and most importantly become a strong, independent, emotionally healthy individual. 

Fine.  I guess I'll go with the second one.

I am a planner.  I set goals and plan for my future.
   
I am an initiator.  I start working toward those goals as soon as possible.
  
I am strong. I stay on my path, even when it gets rocky.
  
I am a finisher.  I accomplish those goals at a manageable pace, without dragging them out.
   
I am in motion.  I pick new goals to work on when I finish previous ones.  

I am building character.  I am growing as a person as I walk this path.